I feel kind of like an idiot today. I just realized three things this week that I'd been needing, and just realized that I was unconsciously looking for, were right in front of me the whole time.
AWARENESS is incredibly interesting. How "The thoughts that I've been thinking lately, really do have an impact in my immediate and current life, and how the "thoughts that I've been thinking for the past 10 years or more, have created the moment I'm living in RIGHT NOW."
After taking an assessment of my life, at this present moment, I thought about how horrible of a spot I am in right now, and how I'm in an incredible spot as well, and that that very paradox is a result of my "thoughts at this very moment," and of the "thoughts that I HAD been thinking," in the past.
The Horrible: I am 36 years, and I'm still Bouncing and doing Security and struggling with money, and still having to borrow money from my parents because my car got towed, and I had no money at all, and still needed to get to work.
I've fallen behind in my debts, and in September because of some late payments, I had my Cell Phone cut off, and then my car broke down, and it was either spend $100/month + $15/Night in Cab rides home from work 4 nights/week, roughly $340 or $420 to get my car fixed. As a result, I missed a payment on 3 of my Student Loans from over 10 years ago.
This payday, I have to pay my rent, and $590 for a Payday Loan that I needed to get so I could get groceries and eat, as well as to get my car fixed.
After I pay both of those back, I won't have any money left. Which means I have to get another Payday Loan so I can make a payment of $100 on my Cell Phone so it doesn't get cut off again, and $135 for my Car Insurance, plus I will also need food for the next 2 weeks. I have to start making healthier choices, and I don't want to have to pay $91 Interest for $500. Survice on $165 for 2 weeks? Gas, and food? What is the Interest on $400?
My left knee probably needs to be operated on, and is constantly in a lot of pain, and a few years ago, I tore the meniscus in my right knee, and my right knee has never fully healed, and my Sports Doctor (2004) at the time said he didn't want to have to operate on me.
Physically I am over 400 lbs. I'm not exactly sure of my weight because I've been nervous about finding out the truth. I should probably go and get tested for diabetes as well, since a good portion of my family have recently been diagnosed in recent years.
I have poor circulation in my legs, and feet, and my feet are always constantly sore. After working a full 7 hours at the Door on my feet every Friday and Saturday night at the Bar, when I wake up the next afternoon I almost need a Walker to get around because my feet are so sore.
There have been a few times in the past year that I've felt shortness of breath, a really wierd sensation in my stomach and my chest, and even light headedness.
Take a few minutes to consider the implications of that.
My PRESENT is the FUTURE RESULT of the THOUGHTS that I'VE BEEN THINKING for the PAST 10 YEARS.
So what HAVE I BEEN THINKING?
I have to take a look back at what my Negative Self Talk and Mind Chatter has been. There are definitely things like, "I'm not good enough," "I can't believe how much I weigh," and "I'm over 400 lbs!?" or "I'm always so sore."
"Why am I always broke?"
"I wish I had more money."
"I can't afford."
"I have being broke/having no money."
"I don't like how I look."
Then I'd sit back and dream about my future, and what I would LOVE for my life to be like.
However, when it came time to TAKING ACTION to move myself forward towards my Goals, I would come up with EXCUSE, AFTER EXCUSE, AFTER EXCUSE.
Which has led me to my recent realizations that have me feeling like an idiot, (but first, a brief history).
I started taking Acting and Screenwriting Classes in 2007/2008, at the University of Alberta. I took Bill Meilen's Playwriting Class, but he allowed me to write the 1st Draft of my Screenplay. An incredibly horrible draft, which taught me the importance of thinking. To think out, and daydream, and let my imagination go wild, and to research, research, research. My 2nd Draft was so much better.
I took Jan Henderson's Introduction to Improv Acting. It was a turning point in my life. After that very first Class, I knew that I wanted to be an Actor more than anything else. Ever since my Football Career had ended, I didn't have anything that really pumped me up. But Acting and Improv were suddenly exciting, despite having grown up shy and massively self-conscious.
I've learned the fundamentals in University and on the Stage at The Walterdale Theatre, doing Plays like, "The Duchess of Malfi," as the Grim Reaper, a Guardsman, and an Executioner, and in "Dr. Faustus," as Devil #3.
I went to Film School for a 1 Year Intensive Actor Training where I took voracious notes, and then I found the Actor's Foundry and Matthew Harrison and Jeb Beach (http://www.actorsfoundry.com/). Matthew has developed a phenomenal technique for the Actor's Toolkit, and he has an amazing understanding of human behaviour, and how to really nurture and push and pull things out of people to take their performances to a much higher, and more truthful level.
Week 1: At the Foundry is about getting the Script and doing a Table Read of your Scene for the month. Doing a read through, and then in a group setting, analyzing the scene, breaking it down, figure out your relationship, and what other questions you need to get answered when reading the entire script.
Weeks 2, 3, and 4 are about figuring out how you relate/connect to the character you are playing in the scene, blocking it, and then shooting it.
I've also done some work recently with Darren Jacklin (http://www.darrenjacklin.com/) where he began to ask me questions about what "the average day in my ideal life" would be like?
What time would I wake up? What would be the first thing I do? Would I jump out of bed, and be excited about the day, or would I be tired and miserable? What would I have for breakfast? Would I have breakfast with anyone else? If so, with whom?
What would I do after breakfast? What would I do for lunch? Where would I be? How would I be dressed? Who would I be with? Would it be formal or informal?
This got me to thinking back about my Acting Career over the past 10 years, and how I haven't fully committed myself 100%.
Sure I've gone to Film School, I got myself an Agent, I auditioned for a few years, I booked some work on The Chris Isaak Show, and I auditioned for X-Men, and Freddy vs. Jason where I got to meet one of my idols, and I've done a handful of Commercials, and some Indie Horror flicks, and been an extra on Stargate SG-1 and Smallville.
I haven't had an Agent in the past 4 years, since my last one dumped me. I haven't been Auditioning.
I've worked as Security in the Film Industry for the past 3 years.
I've taken Acting Classes.
But I haven't fully committed myself, and that's why nothing has been moving forward Acting wise. I've always been too busy with everything else, and making excuses.
That's when I had my 1st AHA of the week.
The very fundamental, and the very least that I should be doing as an Actor, is reading Scripts. Finding the ones that I like/enjoy, and begin breaking them down. Analysing them. Printing them up. Making my Choices. Figuring out what my Character Statement would be for every single scene.
I should be doing that for Screenplays for Feature Films and TV Series.
I should be rehearsing scenes with other actors. I love rehearsing. I should be learning my lines.
To that end, I am going to start with the Pilot Script for the MAGNUM, P.I. TV Series. It's my Goal to land the role of THOMAS MAGNUM and to get Tom Selleck to play MY Thomas Magnum's dad.
I own a copy, and I'm going to start analyzing it, and breaking down every scene that Thomas Magnum is in. Once I've analyzed the script, I can then begin Rehearsing it like a Stage Play, while I lose weight, and once I've lost over 100 lbs or more, I will film it and post it on my Website and have people compare my performance to Tom Selleck's. Hopefully create a bit of a buzz, and get me a shot at the Magnum, P.I. Movie.
After analyzing MAGNUM, P.I. it is onto "Supernatural," and "Smallville," and "Eureka," and "V," and "Caprica," and "House," and "Heroes."
Then it'll be "Iron Man," and "Wolverine," and "X-Men 3," and "Transformers 1 and 2," and "G.I.Joe."
So I can start envisioning/manifesting the Career and Life that I want.
What steps can I be taking today, RIGHT NOW, for my health and my diet? What Lifestyle Changes can I begin making to my current habits?
That's when I had my 2nd AHA!
The 3 fundamental exercises I can begin doing are: 1) Pushups 2) Situps and 3) Stairs (for Cardiovascular. )
I have 16 stairs from the main floor to the 2nd level of my house. I can begin doing those on a daily basis, to start getting myself back into shape. I can even do it a few times/day as they are right here.
I can also start making some healthier choices in cooking. I can either have my brother or my friends roommate, who are both chefs, to either come over to my place, or I can go over to their place, and get them to teach me how to cook some vegetarian meals, and I can Video Tape them instead of taking notes. I can even share with them my budget for the week, and find out what they would suggest for meals.
That way I can begin moving forward with nutrition and physical activity (only going as far as my body can I handle), and I can begin committing 100% to 10% of what it means to be an Actor.
What future do I envision for myself?
Where would I like to be 5 years from now?
What would I like my life to be like? Am I married? What is she like?
How is my Acting Career? I'm a Lead in a TV Series? Am I the current Action Star in Feature Films? Where do I live? Do I own on or more homes/properties? Who have I worked with? How much do I love what I do? Who have I met? Who am I friends with?
What would I like my life to be like 5 years from now? 4 years? 3 years? 1 year? 6 months?
But for right now, the questions is: "Where would I like to be 1 year from now?" (What are my thoughts going to have to be?)
I am 260 lbs, and I'm now in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life!
I am healthy, active, fit, and strong. I've never felt better. I can't believe how young and healthy I feel.
I love how I look in the mirror, but I love how I feel inside. My life is amazing!
I've finally been to Hawaii, the Carribean, Peru, and Australia!
I've finally completed BECOMING MAGNUM, and it was even more amazing a journey and an experience than I could have ever imagined. I've met, and become friends with so many great people on this journey, and as a result, I've just been blown away by it all.
I now live in San Diego in the Winter, and Vancouver in the Summer. And I get to spend more time with my friends, and growing both my Business and my Acting Career.
I've finally paid off my Student Loans, and bought my dream car - the 2009 Chevy Camaro (Bumble Bee/Transformers).
I am dating an amazing woman, and we've had a lot of fun together.
I look forward to what the next 12 months has in store!
The 3rd AHA of the Week
I began working on putting together a Business Plan this week for BECOMING MAGNUM, so that I can raise some money from investors, at the very least to get my Website revamped, and to hire a crew part-time so I can create some videos, pay for my Personal Trainer, as well as Supplements and Nutrition for my Weight Loss, as well as for Acting Classes at The Actor's Foundry.
I decided to ask my buddy Sam for his advice on putting together a Business Plan, since he has a background in Finance.
I will soon need to put together a team that can help me move this whole thing forward. I will need a Webmaster/Designer and a Salesperson. Someone good at negotiation, and knows the money world. Someone like Sam. I haven't asked him yet, but I will once we've completed the Business Plan together, if he'd like to come on board.
That's it for now.
See you at the top.
Mike.
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